Victimstance

The victimstance, is like your circumstance, but always viewed as the victim.  I've been there, am sometimes still there, and it is a rough road to walk.  Everything happens to YOU, and it is never anything good.  (Do you recognize the victimstance voice in your head?  It sounds like "I can't believe she did that to me.")

Victimstance thrives on comparison.  Comparing your life and how you feel to everyone else's rosy perfect life.  ("My life is so much harder than theirs or these terrible things only happen to ME, never anyone else.")  Victimstance is fueled by comparison, and can even be a comparison to some version of yourself you have yet to become. ("If only I had this thing or that, if only I hadn't done this when I was 17 - I wouldn't have this terrible thing now, I shouldn't have committed to this.")

'Should' can be a huge part of victimstance.  What other people should have done to help you, or said to you, or supported you.  What you should have done instead of the choice you made.  How does the 'should' help?  I'm not convinced it does.  That 'should' can keep you firmly rooted in victimstance.  It is hard when the people we love don't give us what we need, especially if it is our own self not listening.  You can either ask them for it, accept they aren't capable of it, or be the victim.  There is always a way out of victimstance.  Always.

I think of victimstance as a place I sit.  Picture a room, where all you can see is your own victimhood, so no matter what happens you are the victim.  You can leave the room, but when you are in it, it feels like you will be stuck there forever.  This is going to sound obvious, but victimstance is sneaky and all consuming, so stick with me here. The catch is you've got to notice you're in the room.  Your first clue you're in the room is when EVERYTHING is happening TO you, and NOTHING is happening FOR you.  

How often you approach life as the victim?  How many times have you told the same story?  How many times does that story repeat in various forms?  Are you starting to sound like a broken record?  It could be your victimstance keeping you in the room.

The first step out of the room is recognizing you are in it.  Is everything bad?  Every single last thing?  Are the flowers not even blooming right?  That's a good sign you're stuck in victimstance.  Byron Katie asks the question, "Is that true?  Really really true?"  I've found this question to bring great awareness to my room.  ("Is it really really true that EVERYTHING is going wrong?  No... actually not everything is wrong.  The sun did rise today.")

The great news is once you know you're there, you can look for what isn't terrible.  Look for the blooming flowers in your life.  Everyone, even you, has something blooming.  But you have to choose to look.  Once you see something, you might see more.  A gratitude practice can do this in a few days of listing out what you are grateful for each day.  

My friends have spotted my room for me many times.  These are the friends I can hear when I'm in the room, and I hope you have some of these too.  They are the people who don't spend much time in victimstance.  Be careful become some well meaning friends like to stay in the room and they'd like company (misery really does love company).  These friends will encourage you to stay.  They will trade all the stories of victimhood back and forth with you over and over and over again.   A great question to ask your friend stuck in victimstance is 'what would help?'  If there is NOTHING that would help... they are in the room.  If something would help, they are beginning to see the way out.

Noticing you are not the victim of EVERYTHING, is the first step to releasing the stance.  Next you might look for the lesson in the pattern of your victimhood.  A bit ago, I was exhausted.  Things kept happening to slow me down.  I would be on hold FOREVER to make a simple phone call. Setbacks that felt like failures.  And then I broke a bone in my foot and had to wear one of those lovely boots.  I was feeling like the world was out to get me, firmly in my victimstance.  Then a friend said, "ready to rest yet?"  I laughed.  Man I needed a rest, I was pushing too hard because I didn't want to feel the pain of the grief in my life at that stage in my life.  The lesson from these setbacks was to take care of myself, rest, even if it meant feeling uncomfortable in the grief.

It is amazing how the victimstance can evaporate when you start to take care of yourself.  If you are an over giver or a pleaser it is easy to overdo it and become the victim of your own well meaning work.  If you are feeling like the victim in your giving, that sounds more like sacrifice.  ("Why don't they appreciate me/the things I do?  No one even notices how much I give!  I am so tired.")  You could consider how to take care of yourself and rebalance your giving.    Sacrifice isn't giving, it's sacrifice.

When you are ready to get out of the room, you decide what you want to create.  Creators are very different from victims.  They make conscious choices that matter to them and show that they matter in the world.  You can create a meditation practice, a poem, or a new career, but create something.  Something that maybe isn't on the chore list.

I believe you can create the life YOU choose and I can't wait to see who you become.  You can do it.  Life is here for you to create.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE - There are widespread systemic problems that literally do create victims out of entire portions of our population.  These systemic issues try to oppress and keep their victims as victims.  It is our work to stand in that face of that injustice, and say No More.  Black lives matter. Genocide is NEVER acceptable. The oppression would have us believe we are also victims, thinking there's nothing we can do.  That's not true.  You can do something.  We can and we will.