Who Ordered the Anger?

I really wish I had ordered up some love and light for you today.  I really want to write a blog joy.  But what has arrived is anger.  I'm not angry at something specific that happened in this moment.  I am not directly reacting.  I've actually been feeling anger for days.  My sense of it is a release, a letting out of the box, rather than a reaction to something.  

I feel anger in my body, in my belly, in my chest.  It feels like a fire, like a flame.  Burning.  I keep trying to fight with people.  To make them wrong, and it only makes me feel worse.  I keep being triggered by the most minor things.  Usually this is a sign that I have overdone it, that I'm just tired and need a break.  That doesn't feel like it this time though.  This time, I want the FIGHT.  Some part of me wants to live in the drama of wronging and being wronged.  

I could fall back in time to all of the times that I felt justified in my anger.  Touching back to places and times when I had a 'reason' to be angry.  I could tell myself those scenarios again, those stories again, and I could really make this anger feel real again.  But what I know is true is I am not actively angry, I am just feeling anger.  So I am trying to stay away from all of the old reasons I have to be angry, and just be with the anger.  Because those stories aren't in present time now.  And maybe what's triggering me, is helping me release this anger and let it go, let it out of the box. Maybe I am finished with this old anger, and can be in the place of current time when I am not actually angry at something, but I am feeling anger.  

The other part of me wants me to stop being angry NOW.  This part does not like anger.  Is afraid of anger.  Does not like how anger feels so fiery.  This part wants this to be over.  Wants to stuff anger back in wherever it's been stowed for decades.  This part knows that girls are not to be angry, that that invites more anger to come back at you in scary ways.  This part knows that bad people are angry and judges me for being angry and all the other people for being angry.

And in this process, I direct so much more anger and judgment at myself.  Throwing anger at someone, even yourself, is never ok.  Fighting with myself or others only creates more anger.  Can you see the loop, and how it makes everything more angry?

There are ways to release anger, to stop the loop, without creating more of it for yourself or others.  This morning I went for a run.  Yesterday, I slammed my Dammit Doll all over my bed.  Sometimes I scream in my car where no one can hear me.  I say not nice words.  Other times, I just sit with it and say, ok anger, let's feel this out.  I notice how my throat burns, and my shoulders are tight.  And then, I give myself a break, and I change the emotion.  I focus on power.  On times in my life when I felt appreciated, respected, or valuable.  I take a deep breath.  Gratitude can always change my emotion.

I'm not putting this anger back in the box.  It is too heavy a burden to carry anymore.  I'm noticing it, hanging out with it, and letting it go without creating harm for myself or others.  Anger, like any other emotion is energy.  It isn't good or bad.

I sense the tenseness, the anger, out there in our world.  In America, the tensions over the November election are high.  In many homes, in many hearts, this tension is being felt.  I see people being righteous, angry, and scared.  It makes many want to close everything down and hide.  I get it, that part of me that is overwhelmed by anger really gets it. 

And yet, this year, I am considering gratitude for this election cycle.  For helping me feel this anger, notice it, let it go, and replace it with power.  We choose our thoughts and how we feel.  We are creators in this system.  The anger we have can be felt, released, and an opportunity to find our power.  May we claim our power and be powerful.  

​Power to the peaceful.