I have a completely irrational fear of birds. Nothing happened to me in this life that I should be SO afraid of birds, and yet I am. My heart races when they are near me. My breath quickens. I admire them from afar but close up, I back away.
My mom died last September. This woman was special, one of a kind, joyous, loving, and my biggest fan. The mourning has been REAL and there have been days that I couldn't escape the enormity of the loss. I grieve the loss of her here, in the body. I picked up the phone to call her just last week. And yet, I am also recognizing the spectrum of what's available to me - the spectrum from the body to the spirit. Yes, her body is no longer here, but her spirit is ready, willing, and able. Her spirit is with me... a lot. I often connect with her, and she sends me lots of signs.
And wouldn't you know it... she sends a lot of birds. I recently spent the weekend in Red Feather Lakes (gorgeous!!), and there was this hummingbird that kept landing on a branch a couple of feet from me. It would just sit there, and I would just stand there. And I would laugh as I thought of my mom. A tiny little bird, just for me, over and over and over again throughout the weekend. On the branch or outside my window, just waiting for me to notice.
I often sit in stillness, and ask my mom questions and listen for her answers. So that weekend I asked her -
"Why the birds, Ma?" Part of me was a bit perturbed that she knows I am so afraid of them and yet continued to send them. And she responded,
"Why not, Sweet Child? There is beauty in birds and your fear is not of this time. Flying with a bird is one of the great joys of this world. I am free!"
I smiled at the idea of her flying with the birds, and I could hear her joy.
I could have missed all of these connections; been too busy walking to see the birds or been too distracted to ask my mom about the birds. And yet, grief is helping me to slow down. I am finding the time and energy to connect. It is a wonderful place to be, in the body and free.
She sent her friend Andrea an owl... thank god that wasn't me.