Which version do you sound like?  How would your life change if you decided to support yourself wholly, completely, and truly?  You deserve support, trust, and love in this life from yourself.

Recently, I had the privilege to travel with my family.  We spent time in Newport Beach, CA, Grand Teton National Park, and Yellowstone National Park.  In so many moments of these trips I was reminded that the change in our lives is constant, and perspective changes everything.

I can take myself back to the beach even now.  Each wave, a new opportunity, a crescendo and a crash.  Each breath a new opportunity, an expansion and a release.  The shorelines forever being reshaped.  Grooving my toes into the sand in the shallow surf, only to have the grains swept away and brought back but not quite the same.  Low tide, high tide, low high tide and high low tide - forever changing, each moment of each day.  The shape of the moon moving from almost full to full and back again.  Watching sunrises and sunsets.  Even if you sat at the same spot at the same moment, they are always different, always changing.

In Grand Teton, a quiet hike is changed when horses cross our path.  In Yellowstone, the geysers erupt, the pools change color, maybe on a schedule, but usually not.  Even the routine is changing based on the unseen undercurrents in the earth.  The pools fill, start to overflow, and gush dancing water into the sky.  And I can't forget the clouds lifting by and the birdsongs.  Reminders everywhere of wild animals that are truly wild, no matter how docile they seem (thank you Bear and Bison).  The views all moving, all changing.  Change in every glance, every moment, every everything.

And then there was me being asked to change on these trips.  Events in my life exploding all over these trips, like some really unfriendly wave or geyser.  The little girl in me would tell you she was being forced to change, that this was no 'opportunity'.  I could feel the undercurrents within me starting to broil, to fill, to overflow, and blow just like a geyser.  Because... I didn't want this change.  Things were fine.  I was contented, I was lulled, and I forgot - change is constant.  

No matter your spiritual practice, your awareness, your happiness - change will happen.  In reflecting on these changes in my life, I have been reminded of the power of presence, perspective, and uncertainty.    

For me, I had to take some time to be present with myself to grieve what I thought I wanted, what I thought I had, before I could even get a handle on my perspective.  And when I got to that place where I could be with it with more neutrality, I recognized that my perspective changes everything about change.  I could choose to focus on the pain of the change.  I could choose to be the victim of this circumstance.  Or, with fresh eyes I could live in the world of possibility of what can be created from this new vantage point.  I chose to surrender to what is, and not cling to what was.  That cling felt very much like trying to hold on to a receding wave.  With this perspective, I can look for the blessings, gratitudes, and attitudes of change.

And now, a few weeks later I know change is what I crave.  I choose growth in this life.  Change is what I want to be able to fulfill my truth and purpose.  Change is still happening for me, sometimes fast and sometimes slower than slow.  I have no certainty about what will be become of all of it, except that it will be the best part of my life yet.   What I remember now is that in uncertainty, everything is possible.

In any change, one part ends, and something else comes anew.  I choose to create that new from a place of power, choice, and possibilities.  We are not the victims of change.  On the soul level, we are the change makers.  I am looking forward to our world changing.  May you feel empowered to create the change you wish to see or flow in the change you are receiving.  Surrendering to change is not a weakness, it is a super power.  I know the change I am receiving is the healing that I have been asking for (for many many many years).  I know my resistance to it is fear.  But a little perspective tells me, there is nothing to fear here.  And when I am back to full power, I can't wait to see what I create.  

In Grand Teton, we moved across a lake bringing one mountain closer and making another disappear from view.  An entire mountain seemingly gone.  A very literal translation of how perspective can change everything.   If you get a chance to visit any National Park, GO!  In these parks, the awe inspiring beauty of nature can lift any gaze to a broader plane (plain) and gives you the opportunity to feel the majesty of mother earth holding us in her stability.

The victimstance, is like your circumstance, but always viewed as the victim.  I've been there, am sometimes still there, and it is a rough road to walk.  Everything happens to YOU, and it is never anything good.  (Do you recognize the victimstance voice in your head?  It sounds like "I can't believe she did that to me.")

Victimstance thrives on comparison.  Comparing your life and how you feel to everyone else's rosy perfect life.  ("My life is so much harder than theirs or these terrible things only happen to ME, never anyone else.")  Victimstance is fueled by comparison, and can even be a comparison to some version of yourself you have yet to become. ("If only I had this thing or that, if only I hadn't done this when I was 17 - I wouldn't have this terrible thing now, I shouldn't have committed to this.")

'Should' can be a huge part of victimstance.  What other people should have done to help you, or said to you, or supported you.  What you should have done instead of the choice you made.  How does the 'should' help?  I'm not convinced it does.  That 'should' can keep you firmly rooted in victimstance.  It is hard when the people we love don't give us what we need, especially if it is our own self not listening.  You can either ask them for it, accept they aren't capable of it, or be the victim.  There is always a way out of victimstance.  Always.

I think of victimstance as a place I sit.  Picture a room, where all you can see is your own victimhood, so no matter what happens you are the victim.  You can leave the room, but when you are in it, it feels like you will be stuck there forever.  This is going to sound obvious, but victimstance is sneaky and all consuming, so stick with me here. The catch is you've got to notice you're in the room.  Your first clue you're in the room is when EVERYTHING is happening TO you, and NOTHING is happening FOR you.  

How often you approach life as the victim?  How many times have you told the same story?  How many times does that story repeat in various forms?  Are you starting to sound like a broken record?  It could be your victimstance keeping you in the room.

The first step out of the room is recognizing you are in it.  Is everything bad?  Every single last thing?  Are the flowers not even blooming right?  That's a good sign you're stuck in victimstance.  Byron Katie asks the question, "Is that true?  Really really true?"  I've found this question to bring great awareness to my room.  ("Is it really really true that EVERYTHING is going wrong?  No... actually not everything is wrong.  The sun did rise today.")

The great news is once you know you're there, you can look for what isn't terrible.  Look for the blooming flowers in your life.  Everyone, even you, has something blooming.  But you have to choose to look.  Once you see something, you might see more.  A gratitude practice can do this in a few days of listing out what you are grateful for each day.  

My friends have spotted my room for me many times.  These are the friends I can hear when I'm in the room, and I hope you have some of these too.  They are the people who don't spend much time in victimstance.  Be careful become some well meaning friends like to stay in the room and they'd like company (misery really does love company).  These friends will encourage you to stay.  They will trade all the stories of victimhood back and forth with you over and over and over again.   A great question to ask your friend stuck in victimstance is 'what would help?'  If there is NOTHING that would help... they are in the room.  If something would help, they are beginning to see the way out.

Noticing you are not the victim of EVERYTHING, is the first step to releasing the stance.  Next you might look for the lesson in the pattern of your victimhood.  A bit ago, I was exhausted.  Things kept happening to slow me down.  I would be on hold FOREVER to make a simple phone call. Setbacks that felt like failures.  And then I broke a bone in my foot and had to wear one of those lovely boots.  I was feeling like the world was out to get me, firmly in my victimstance.  Then a friend said, "ready to rest yet?"  I laughed.  Man I needed a rest, I was pushing too hard because I didn't want to feel the pain of the grief in my life at that stage in my life.  The lesson from these setbacks was to take care of myself, rest, even if it meant feeling uncomfortable in the grief.

It is amazing how the victimstance can evaporate when you start to take care of yourself.  If you are an over giver or a pleaser it is easy to overdo it and become the victim of your own well meaning work.  If you are feeling like the victim in your giving, that sounds more like sacrifice.  ("Why don't they appreciate me/the things I do?  No one even notices how much I give!  I am so tired.")  You could consider how to take care of yourself and rebalance your giving.    Sacrifice isn't giving, it's sacrifice.

When you are ready to get out of the room, you decide what you want to create.  Creators are very different from victims.  They make conscious choices that matter to them and show that they matter in the world.  You can create a meditation practice, a poem, or a new career, but create something.  Something that maybe isn't on the chore list.

I believe you can create the life YOU choose and I can't wait to see who you become.  You can do it.  Life is here for you to create.

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE - There are widespread systemic problems that literally do create victims out of entire portions of our population.  These systemic issues try to oppress and keep their victims as victims.  It is our work to stand in that face of that injustice, and say No More.  Black lives matter. Genocide is NEVER acceptable. The oppression would have us believe we are also victims, thinking there's nothing we can do.  That's not true.  You can do something.  We can and we will.

How much money do you have?  How much money do you feel like you have?  That second question is based on your lineage, scarcity, lack, and history in addition to your future plans… and much more complicated than the black or red number in your bank account!  We are talking about money because I am raising my ‘suggested prices’ and have a sliding scale opportunity that offers everyone the choice of price.  This brings up all kinds of uncomfortableness for some of my clients and participants.  I’m sorry to be the person triggering you, yet it is important to me that I offer  different ways for payment, giving, receiving, and obligation.  For me, changes to our current capitalism system are welcome.  

If you just want to know what to pay me - please pay me what your heart desires. Pay me what will make you show up for your session or class.  Offering options for free has not worked because they lose their value and many lose their commitment to show up because they don’t have any money in the game.

What your heart desires to pay could be a tricky question.  And you might even be a little upset that I don’t just pick a price and instead ask you to consider your heart in matters of money.  I get it, money is complicated stuff.  And so here are some of my reasons for sliding scale and the opportunities I see to get curious about how money affects our feelings of value.  

An invitation to discover value
We could pay based on our VALUES.  We can value (put money with) what we value (in our heart).  As in my services, we can pay for the experience of connecting with another in the spiritual realm.  Ideally that could be how the world works, if you value it you put money with it.  But in reality how much money is a much trickier answer.  Because $50 to me could have significantly different value for you.  How we spend and receive money is based on all kinds of things - how many people we support, family history, personal history, patterning.  

We’ve all had different opportunities and roadblocks.  What opportunities were you perfectly poised to take advantage of because of your family, privilege, class?  What roadblocks have prevented you from fully accessing money or created disadvantage?  For more on this idea, and for those of you who just want to know ‘what to pay’ - check out this link from RIDEFREEFEARLESSMONEY.COM for guidance on how to decide what to pay.  I find these kinds of inventories really helpful in getting  me to be really honest about how much money I have (plenty), despite how much money I feel that I have (not enough).

I couldn’t know how much you value your money or what circumstances led to those beliefs, so instead of a set price - I’m asking you to investigate and take the opportunity to make a choice about payment.  I feel exactly what this quote from the Ride Free Fearless Money website says, “The scale is intended to be a map, inviting each of us to take inventory of our financial resources and look deeper at our levels of privilege. It is a way to challenge the classist and capitalist society we live in and work towards economic justice on a local level. While I ask you to take these factors into consideration, please don’t stress about it. Pay what feels right.”

I am a privileged white woman.  Please pay what you can freely give, it is important to me that my payment options are inclusive for all.

An invitation to be generous
I absolutely love what I do, and so often it doesn’t feel like ‘work’.  Sometimes that makes accepting money for it more difficult.  Similarly, I know I struggle with self-worth.  And for me currently, money is still connected to my worth.  And I want to make money from my career.  That feels good.  But here’s the thing… I get that high no matter the number of dollars you pay me!  Be free there is no obligation to pay a specific amount, and your ability to pay is no indication of my willingness to serve.

Maybe you decide that for you the right price for a reading is $55.  Hallelujah!  Let that be a generous gift from you for me to receive.  Give it freely!  And I will receive it with my whole heart - what a gift that you give to me.  Your generosity is safe with me.  I do good things.  I serve with pleasure in my heart.  I know that my success is not tied to my money.  My success is in living a joy filled life.  

An invitation to explore shame
What I find fascinating about shame and money is some people feel shame for not having enough while others feel shame for having too much!  Money is an equal opportunity shame trigger.  In any case, shame says, “I am not good enough”.  Not true my friend, - you are a glorious light being.  Here to help create world peace.  You deserve nice things on your journey.  Consider how shame affects your money space - in how you spend it, receive it, and treasure it.  If you don’t pay at the top of the scale, are you less worthy?  NO!  You have paid what you can give freely in this life, and that is a gift.  If you pay to the top of the scale, are you better than someone else?  Also nope.  You have paid what you can give freely in this life, and that is a gift.  And if you can give more freely, please do!

Money is an opportunity
There have been times that I pay at the top of sliding scales, at the bottom of sliding scales, and somewhere in the middle.  I want you to know that I’ve participated at all points and want you to feel comfortable choosing what feels right for you.  “When I pay more, I know that I am helping others to access the event. When I pay in the middle, I know I am helping the organizers cover costs. And when I pay at the bottom, I know I am letting my community hold me and support me. All of these are wonderful and acceptable ways of participating.”  (RideFreeFearlessMoney.com)

I thank you for starting to explore money, if you want to do a meditation with money, check out this ALiVE Circle Recordings, - Titled Money Energy and as always - pay what you can.

​

On the first day of psychic school, I met my first guide.  It was pretty amazing to 'see' someone who so wants to help you, guide you, connect with you.  For me, this guide had a calm reassurance that so helped me find my way on this societally unusual path.  And that guide is still with me today so many years later.  ​

What it is like to connect with guidance?  Some people in this realm call them guides.  Some people call them angels, some channels, some spirits, beings.  It is my truth that everyone has some, and you can meet them or call on them at any time.  

My guides (I have many now) generally appear as people, in my mind's eye and I can feel their presence.  I don't 'see' them in the room with me, but more like a figure in my mind.  Even though this is how it works for me, there are many ways for a guide to be present with you.  You might just know something, or be moved to do something.  You might see an animal presence, or a tree - it doesn't have to be a person.  Angels abound.  These are all beings and guides regardless of how they appear to you.  

I have worked with all different guides over the years I have been actively clairvoyant.  Recently there has been a new group that has appeared and connected with me.  For me and this group, I connect my feet to the ground, and I look for my guide.  He is off my left shoulder, and he sweeps a hand in front of me, showing me a new vista or vantage point.  This has been how our communication begins.  He is not a he as we know it, but he says I am most comfortable receiving this kind of information from a masculine figure because of the patriarchy on earth.  He has introduced me to a council of guides.  Each member of the council has a different role or aspect or skill set.   I talk to him most often but it is as if he speaks or connects for the council.  I don't remember the first time we connected exactly, but it has been less than a year now.  They help me to connect to a star vibration that I had not intentionally connected to before.  (This star energy is what I am sharing in the new programs I am offering).  I do recognize this vibration and it feels like home to me, but I did not Know it before.  

The council is beyond supportive.  Every time I get scared or doubtful, they remind me that I can do this.  That I am ready.  I have received that message maybe a thousand times in the last few months.  They showed me the vision of the programs I am supporting now.  It's like having a cheerleading squad that already knows the outcome of the game and hint, hint - you're the winner.   They are so excited to work with me, but do not pressure me.   There is a huge difference between excitement and pressure.  There is no pressure to show up, to connect with them, to be with them.  I am excited to get to do this, and so are they.  The vibration that comes through when I am working with them is something to get excited about it.  It somehow enhances my own energy.  As I claim my inner wisdom, power, and light - the star energy vibration somehow makes it more real, more me, more believable.  

I totally get that what I am saying is unbelievable to many, it would have been something I laughed in other times.  Now, I wholeheartedly believe and I can't wait to be with you in this star vibration.  

I recently had a past life regression mini session with Angela Yadon.  In an online meeting, Angela guided me to imagine a past life with some connection to my current one.  I went to a past life where I was a cleric or in a monk in a monastery.   Brown robe with a rope tie and everything.

I entered a scene in a church, very old, gray, and cavernous.  I saw myself at the gnarled old age, bony arthritic fingers, clutching at a bench in the main room.  The scene skipped back in time to me as a child with my parents and a baby in their arms, my sister.  I was at the age of walking, but not older than 3.  My parents were talking about giving me away to the church, because of the new baby.  They couldn't feed both of us, and I was chosen to be given.  They got money for the exchange, and I became a servant of the church.  I never see them again.  The scene changes and I am back in the monastery and it is clear I have spent my whole life there.  It wasn't a good fit.  Even though I am an ecclesiastic, I am filled with self hatred and righteousness.  I try to inspire my brothers, I want them to like me, but they give me nothing but apathy.  I am a failure and I know there is something missing within me.  I have great fantasies about my brothers loving the talks I give that never come to fruition.  There were hundreds of others like me, same robe, same convictions, same food, same rooms, and yet I was very alone. The scene moves back in time again, I am younger and in my righteousness I spurn a young woman who has come to me for help.  I scorn her and say she can't be helped or isn't worthy of help.  The scene skips forward and I see the same woman, but now she is an old hag (complete with wiry hair, missing teeth, and black cloak with a hood) and I am an old man.  She has come for revenge.  She knows something about me that will damage what little reputation I have at the monastery.  She intends to harm me greatly with this knowledge, and holds some sort of proof in her hands.  I strangle her and kill her.  And I am so appalled by what I did that I hang myself in the ultimate act of my self hatred.  And the monastery and my life's work falls into ruin.  Yikes!  Glad I am in this life!

The messages I took away from this past life were that self hatred is keeping me from experiencing my worth and that other people don't decide your value.  As a result of the murder I committed, I gave my power away karmically for many lives.  The ultimate message was one of forgiveness.  

During the session, it was clear to me that the people in this story of a past life - the hag, my parents and sister, even the brothers - were people I currently know in this life.

About a week before I connected to Angela and this past life, I had a reading with David Lasocki.  I was struggling with a relationship in my life and whether and how to end it.  In the energy, it appeared to David that this person was strangling me.  I experienced fear in my body with messages like... run! do not stop!  she is going to take everything!  With the help of David and some friends, I was able to disconnect this feeling and energy.

The person in this life that I was struggling with ... was the hag in that life.  Still seeking revenge, and finding forgiveness instead.  I still had a lot of hatred in my heart to clear.  And I was avoiding it because hatred isn't one of those emotions you are supposed to feel.  Instead, with the help of these readings, I could understand its placement in my life, sit with it, and let it go.

​I am so fascinated by the energy and lessons here!

Occasionally in a reading with a client, I say something that makes me sit up and take notice.  It's as if someone is screaming at me - Ali!  This is for YOU (too)!  LISTEN!

This happened the other day when I said something like 'your emotions don't make you good or bad.'  I can logically know this to be true, but in that instant I knew that I was suppressing certain emotions because they are not what 'good girls' feel.  On some level I believe that certain emotions made me a bad person.  What kinds of emotions?  Hatred, anger, shame, doubt, confusion just to name a few.  And on the other side of the spectrum, it held true that some emotions make you a good person - compassion, generosity, love. 

For years I have been telling myself that emotions are not good or bad.  In my truth, emotions exist, and adding a judgment (good or bad) to them does not make the experience of feeling them better.  Often I think it can pile on and make whatever emotion you are feeling - feel worse.  So I really tried to become conscious of that little voice that told me anger was a bad emotion to feel.  I tried to parent and help my kids with their emotions with acceptance and humility.  I made myself create a new language around emotions.  I talked about how emotions can be uncomfortable (grief, fear, judgment, doubt, shame), but they aren't in an of themselves 'bad' (or good).  Eventually I came to believe that for emotions to heal, it is really about feeling them.  All emotions are valid, simply because we are feeling them, whether we label them as 'good' or 'bad'.  

So with that backdrop, when I said 'your emotions don't make you good or bad' - I was shocked that I had missed this nuance.  What I discovered in the reading was that emotions don't make you good or bad.  It wasn't that the emotion was uncomfortable and I was judging it as bad,  but rather I was limiting my emotional experience to emotions that 'should' be felt (by 'good' people).  The little voice in my head was not only labeling the emotion as something bad to feel, it took it a step further and said I shouldn't feel it, because I won't get to heaven or I won't be a spiritual person, etc.

I know I'm not the only one who had it ingrained in them what good girls/boys should feel.  We have entire generations of men who were simply not supposed to feel anything at all.  And generations of women who were taught to be afraid of or limit 'big' emotions.  We are here to feel.  All of it.

I'm sitting with the uncomfortable emotions, and letting them be with me even if they aren't the 'good' ones.  I am the compassionate witness.  I get it, I understand why I would feel hatred.  I understand why I feel doubt.  And I trust that if I feel into whatever the emotion is, that it will heal.  I am not a victim to any emotion.  As a result, I feel more free and safe to experience the full spectrum of emotions and to a much deeper level.

I have been musing on the idea of strength.  My mother was strong!  She was physically strong, mentally strong, she persevered, she held her ground, she healed and moved on.  I come from a long line of strong women.  We all do.  I like to think of Mother Earth as the mother of us all, and wow she is a strong one.  

​I've read that the energies of 2024 will include strength.  "This [year] asks you to stop turning away from that which you desire.  This is the year to do things that will develop your strength and stretch outside your comfort zone" (Many Moons, Lunar Planner).  I'm going to call this now strength.

As I have spent the first couple of days in 2024 touching into the now strength, it feels different to me than the strength of before.  The before strength is a response -  it feels like a defense, like a stance we have to hold so we don't lose (even more) ground.  The strength that comes from saying: I will not be defeated.  The before strength comes when someone or something else is trying to take your power. The before strength is the strength of our ancestors, and we needed it to stand with our ancestors now to claim this new now strength power.  

This now strength and power knows that my power is not diminished by your power.  Rather than a response, it is a creation.  The now strength is a strength within.  It is a strength that comes from claiming who we are, instead of losing power by denying aspects of ourselves.  The now strength is not the strength that gets you through, it is the strength that lifts us up.  In this power, it is time to take a step with our lives.  It is the strength of YES, that creates the courage to make the step.  The strength that is within each of us, if only we are brave enough to create our lives to the fullest.  

I am only just beginning in the now strength.  If you are exhausted from the before strength, let that be real.  At the moment, it is part of who you are.  The before strength is exhausting.  And it is temporary.  When you are ready for the now strength, invite it in.  It sounds like YES!  It feels like inspiration and hope.  It tastes like freedom.  It looks like beauty.  It is led from the heart.  

​The now strength can not be taken from you.  Consider letting the fight pass right on by because this is the kind of strength that can not be taken from us, only shared.  Without the threat of someone or something else taking your power or your strength - what would you use all of that extra energy for?  Create to your fullest, and feel your power there.

This is a strength and power that can be passed, knowing that your strength does not diminish mine.  The end of 'power over' is near, and feminine energies will lead the transformation.  Feminine energies ask us to receive as much as we give, to enjoy grace, compassion, and love.  Let's go!